dearlonda

Dear Londa,

My parents got a divorce a year ago. My father cared more about alcohol than either of us. Now my mom has a new boyfriend-, some guy she works with. He seems OK. He’s nice I guess and he helps us around the house. Sometimes he spends the night with my mom. Mom says they’re not having sex yet, but it’s still pretty weird. It’s almost time for college, and I’m not sure how I feel about leaving her. All of a sudden I feel like I can’t trust anyone. Can you reassure me?
–  Untrusting

Is it all of a sudden, or are you just now admitting it to yourself? Not an easy question, but one that someone as observant as you is surely capable of answering. Perhaps the trust went out the door with your dad and now the people around you aren’t giving you the reassurance you need. Maybe you think your mom might have more time to do this if she didn’t have to split that time between both you and her new boyfriend.

What exactly is it that makes you not trust your mom? Do you believe that her relationship isn’t sexual? Could it be that the other man isn’t your father, and it still kind of feels like your mom’s cheating? Are there other possibilities here? Is something else bothering you?

You have a lot on your plate, and it’s surely understandable that you’d want your parents to be together, especially during a part of life as huge as senior year and upcoming things like prom, graduation, and college searching. That being said, how are you willing to deal with this? You can remain mad at your dad, your mom, that man, and probably yourself, but what kind of freshman year will that create? What kind of life will that be for you?

I advise instead to try to put yourself in everyone else’s shoes, if only for a minute. It sucks that your dad had a drinking problem, but he’s already lost a wife. Does he really deserve to lose his daughter too?

It sucks that your mom is seeking attention in the arms of another man, but moms have feelings too, and a year is a long time for some people. Perhaps that man is really a good guy whose company and conversation are quite comforting (sleeping together is quite intimate in and of itself, but perhaps they really are only sleeping together-at least she’s discussing it with you and not shutting you out-that says a lot). Lastly, give that man a chance. She could do worse than nice, works hard, and helps out around your house.

Decide to be happy for everyone involved, starting with you. I know that it’s sometimes way easier said than done, but your ability to ask for help with assessing the situation will go a long way. Talk to your mom. Ask her how she feels and tell her how you feel. She’s probably hurting too, and you both shared the disappointment of a year ago, maybe her even more than you. Don’t let her new relationship tear you apart.

You’ll always be her daughter, and will soon have relationships of your own. Hers may turn out to be a really good one that gives you and her enough confidence to move forward. Blessings to you toward doing just that.

Londa

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